Being an Adult
Oct, 12, 2012
I love being an adult. You can stay up as late as you want, eat as much candy as you want, you can run witch scissors….you can drive yourself to the hospital afterwards.
This is a true story. First time I went to the ER as an adult was for running with scissors. You dont get more ironic than that. My Mom had been telling me for years not to run with scissors. Actually, when the scissors went into my hand I pictured 1,000 Moms going, “SEE!! We told you!!!”
I also thought when I got to the ER there’d be tons of people that didn’t listen to their mothers. There’d be a kid that made a face and it stuck that way. A guy who didn’t wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming. A guy who was in an accident and didn’t have on clean underwear. I was hoping I didn’t have to stand behind him in line. Here’s what happened. I was a poor starving comedian in Nashville. I ate off a frisbee. I drank out of a Yatzee cup. I’m in my bedroom apartment cutting out Roman Noodle coupons. All of a sudden, I heard Spongebob come on the TV in the living room. Well, I like to be in front of the TV when I yell the “Eye Eye Captain” part. So, I jumped up and ran into my living room where I had a flat bottom two man boat that my dad gave me. (Actually, he just wasn’t home when I was packing to leave. He was at the graduation party my parents had thrown. That’s what he gets for not inviting me!)
That boat was what I slept in at night. Dont feel sorry for me. I had several blankets and a pillow thanks to Delta. As I dashed into the living room, I tripped over my two man boat and the scissors went right into my hand. Well, I didn’t want to pull the scissors out because I’d read that if you hit an artery you could bleed to death if you dislodged the thing that stabbed you. Well, I didn’t know if I had arteries in my hand because I went to public school. So I drove to the hospital while making a mental note to always obey your Mom no matter how old you get! That goes for you too!